~fading-away-slowly

I don't know what it is with me, it's like a little switch, one moment I'm so positive I believe I can do anything, the next I'm back on the ground, depressed and closed up...
Maybe the real problem is I like being like this, maybe I like being along, lonely, projecting my pain onto others, maybe I like being this lonely, maybe I deserve it, down at the core of it, maybe it's just my masochistic tendencies getting a kick out of all the pain I manage to cause myself, both physical and emotional, at the moment I'm not sure if I do want to stop self harming again, it's like a close friend, and it's stayed with me, stayed loyal to me longer than any human has, I love my self harming, the blades I use, the blood as it runs out of me, and I know that makes me a sick, twisted individual, but thats what I am, a sick, twisted, screwed up piece of humanity, faithful only to my urges to hurt myself, to cause myself more pain, maybe I'd rather that I was always lonely, because I've known that pain for so long, and its faithful, faithful as few "friends" ever seem to be, the pain I can always count on, humans, who knows? The only person who's always stayed faithful to me lives in another country and I've never even seen them in person, how sad is that, I've been betrayed by everyone I used to trust apart from her, and maybe one other person who I've only trusted for a matter of weeks, the only people I truly care about probably just view as some sad pathetic worthless piece of humanity, they see the real me...
I am a twisted, dark soul, and I deserve to be alone... Maybe someday soon I'll do everyone a favour and just take myself out of the equation...